I have never been real big on trying to save Planet Earth—Jesus dealt with that issue a couple thousand years ago.

Still, I try to recycle and reuse things, which may explain why people have been turning their gaze in my direction lately as I mow the front lawn. It’s not often they see a grown man using baby pacifiers for earplugs.

Did you know that Guide is a recyclable product? Sure it is, and here are just a few ideas to get you started.

Xylophone. Why roll up your Guide and hit Seymour over the head when you can put it to good musical use? (Your Guide magazine, not Seymour’s head.) Simply lash the appropriate lengths of Guide magazines together and create a musical instrument that will virtually guarantee a win at next year’s talent show. Electifying the Guide xylophone produces a multisensory experience that includes the odor of burning paper.

Mobile for nursery. So there’s a new little brother or sister howling in the nursery just down the hall from your bedroom. Soothe the little tyrant—I mean, tyke—by unfolding a Guide magazine and running a length of fishing line through it so it can be attached to the ceiling. Don’t use tape, though, as it will tend to pull off under the magazine’s weight. Instead, use an industrial-strength glue. Use the same glue to permanently secure your bedroom door shut in order to avoid the harsh punishment sure to come your way as a result of messing up the nursery ceiling.

Ping-Pong paddle. Using the duct tape of your choice, attach the cardboard tube from some paper towels to a Guide as a handle and enjoy stunning results every time you play. Try to put the Factory page on the front of the paddle. This will distract your opponent, who cannot read trivia facts and put spin on the ball at the same time.

Table supports. Make custom table legs by curling up and taping shut several Guide magazines. When placed on end, they are able to withstand virtually any amount of pressure, except for your aunt Griselda’s broccoli-yogurt-garbanzo casserole, which ends up weighing somewhere about 150 pounds.

To create the top, purchase a table from Ikea or similar store and recycle the legs as a binding agent for Aunt Griselda’s casserole. Place the table top on the four Guide legs, and you’re done. The table is best suited for individuals whose legs are no longer than eight inches.

Summer job enhancement device. Cut out the logo from a Guide magazine and affix it to your shirt or blouse. Then go to the nearest national park or museum and begin lecturing on a subject related to that particular place. Having mistaken you for a tour guide, the group will be prepared to respond financially when you finish your talk by saying something such as “I am a student and do not receive any payment from this institution.” You may be able to use the same technique for generating income after you are jailed for impersonating a tour guide, so save your tag.

Share it with a friend. As difficult as it may be to believe, not every kid receives Guide magazine. Aside from this column, Guide contains a great deal of substantial, life-changing spiritual content. Recycle your copy, and you might just be helping to point someone to Jesus. And if that person does the same thing, well, who knows how long that magazine might keep changing lives? Well, actually it’s Jesus who changes a person’s life. You’re just taking care of the paperwork.