I bought a new bicycle not too long ago. It’s a semi-recumbent. This isn’t one of those horizontal jobs whose riders look like a dog chasing something in a dream as they pedal along. No, my bike belongs to a new class of bikes known as “comfort bikes.” That designation is mostly true, except when it comes to the part of my body I shall refer to as the gluteus maximus area. What you are about to read is a very painful tail, er, tale.

Apparently, the ancestors of today’s bike seat manufacturers were involved in creating medieval instruments of torture. Indeed, Reichert the Medieval Rack-maker’s last name may have been Schwinn, though I don’t know for sure. Still, it’s obvious that virtually all bicycle seats are designed to inflict unbearable pain.

Trying to remedy this situation, I attempted to make my own soft bike seat. Upon release from the hospital, I next went to a store and tried to buy a cushiony bike seat. I soon discovered that these supposed “comfortable” seats are made in countries where the average you-know-what area is considerably smaller than those in nations known for their gluttony. Staying atop one of these tiny bike pedestals is much like trying to sit on a wet bar of soap.

“What I really need is a bike that is sheer pleasure to ride,” I told my wife. So I went for broke and bought the Day 6 semi-recumbent bike. The seat I chose is the “SS” style. Only too late did I realize that this does not stand for the traditional “Super Sport,” but rather “Suffering Stump.” I was sore afraid that I might never find relief.

Trying to address this nagging problem, I cut up a bunch of carpet padding into the shape of my bicycle seat and strategically placed it, um, where I needed extra cushioning. No luck. In hindsight—I mean, looking back—I should have known that it would be nigh-to-impossible to overcome yet another devilish descendant of a Reichert Schwinn bike saddle.

“I can’t believe this!” I complained to my wife. “I mean, all I want to do is get comfortable for the ride.”

Not long thereafter, I thought about my quest for the perfect bicycle seat. You know, Randy,* I thought, you need to be careful that your philosophy of comfort biking doesn’t spill over into your spiritual life. The last thing you want to do is “get comfortable” as you cruise through life on Planet Earth.

It’s pretty easy in our society to get comfortable with lots of things that aren’t healthy, from cheeseburgers to raunchy TV shows. We can’t afford that kind of comfort if we’re serious about following Jesus all the way to heaven.

As for a comfortable bicycle seat, I still don’t have one. I suppose I could stuff a pillowcase full of grass clippings, but they would decompose, and I’d be right back where I started. Hey, wait a minute—I just thought of something! Why don’t I just stand during the entire ride? Yeah, that’ll work.

Until I come to a low tunnel. People on the other end will wonder who the headless biker is.

*I address myself by name and talk to myself in the third person only when I am off my medication.