Enough of this Valentine’s Day mush already. You’d think that life on planet Earth depended on attraction to the opposite sex or something.

The whole Valentine’s Day thing is ripe for disaster. Take those little heart-shaped candies, for instance, the ones that have stupid romantic messages on them.

What if someone forgets to use deodorant that morning and your classmates are looking around trying to figure out who stinks? Passing out a sweet treat that says “You’re the One” isn’t likely to score big points.

Been suffering from high self-esteem? You may just be cured on February 14, when 257 Valentine’s Day cards are distributed throughout the classroom, none of them addressed to you. (As best as I can tell, this is where the term “St. Valentine’s Day massacre” originated.)

And what if the “special someone” in your life happens to sport fur and paws? Buying a dozen goldfish for your cat doesn’t seem quite right, and your pet ferret doesn’t look all that great in boxer shorts with hearts on them.

Some people think poetry is the best way to express affection. But have you ever read a love poem written by a teenage guy?

When I lie down I dream of you,
I know you are the one,
When I arise you’re on my mind—You and my BB gun.

Your face I see in clouds above,I gaze in spring and fall, I love you like no other thing, Except my basketball.

Know this, fair one: I long to be Your husband by-and-by, So with these words I pledge my love, But not my Wham on rye.

No, we male types are better off leaving the fancy words to great poets such as William Shakeswithfear and Henry Wadsworth Longjohns. But that doesn’t mean we can’t let others know we care about them. Simple acts of kindness are a good place to start. People will love you, and Jesus does too.