It was the very first day of December, and when I woke up I felt okay, I guess. I mean, I had just had two bad days and was a little shaken up, but I was fine. Well, that’s what I tried to tell myself. In reality, I was anything but fine.

Throughout the morning, a weight was slowly manifesting in my chest, and I was finding that it was a little bit harder to catch my breath, but I couldn’t think about that. This day is not going to turn out like yesterday and the day before, I thought to myself. So I tried to push the feelings aside, and focus on my schoolwork.

I didn’t get much done that morning, I just couldn’t/wasn’t in the mood. I looked at my phone, and a message was on the screen. A new friend had just opened up to me. Normally, I would’ve been focusing on them, and helping. While I did help them, I couldn’t help but feel more overwhelmed. I texted my mentor about being overwhelmed because she had been talking to me the night before and I wanted to see what advice she could offer about things. She had so much advice to share, and we texted a lot that day. Soon, it was late in the afternoon, and I had to go shopping with my dad to get things for Sabbath tomorrow.

During the errands, the weight in my chest persisted and I found myself getting distracted throughout the time we spend together. We got to the last store just before sundown, and through an act of multitasking for the sake of getting done in time, I was shopping while my dad worked on something. I finished shopping fairly quickly, with sundown hitting and all.

While I waited for my dad to meet up with me, I texted to my friend, Grace*. We were discussing a Bible verse, and while I was responding, I all of a sudden felt my heart jump or something. It went away as soon as it happened, but I was slightly shaking afterwards. My dad came back, and although the experience was shocking to me, I didn’t tell him about what had just occurred.

The drive home was good, we just talked about somethings that were on both of our minds, the moment still not slipping out through conversation. A little while after I got home, I was getting scared. I was eating the light dinner my mom had made, only I wasn’t too hungry, so I just ate what I could and sat. Just then, my heart started racing, and I tried to focus on controlling my breathing to no avail.

In an effort to calm myself down (and to not be noticed) I went to the bathroom, with my legs feeling heavy, heart still pounding and body still shaking. I don’t remember how it came about, but soon my symptoms were at a much lower level and I went on with my night (if going straight in bed counts, I was pretty tired, as you can tell).

While in bed, I couldn’t sleep. My heart rate was still elevated and I couldn’t stop thinking about everything. I was so scared, so I once again texted Grace and told her what happened, since I knew she’d understand. She offered to talk about things with me once she finished Bible study, and I agreed. Bible study was soon over, and it was time to talk.

Grace: Why is the anxiety coming back so muchhh. I mean, you said you were fine earlier (not that you aren’t fine now, but yk what I’m saying). U scared of something? 

Well, yeah. I’m scared of what’s happening to me right now and also about church tomorrow, I don’t want anyone to notice me like this. 

Grace: Your friends are there to help you though. 

I wasn’t exactly honest with how I was feeling earlier. I’M SCARED GRACE 😭

GRACE: I know *sigh* I kind of realized that

Grace shared a Bible verse, and we said a few more words before I finally felt calm enough to sleep.

I would have many more days of having the experience I mentioned earlier in the story and two more episodes like what happened that day before I realized I was dealing with actual anxiety, and that those “episodes” were actually panic attacks. I am doing much better now, and I have gotten to this point through support from many more conversations with my mentor and friends, as well as finally getting help from a mental health group my school has to offer.  The reason I told this story was to raise awareness about anxiety, and to offer some support for those who might be going through the same thing I was. If you or someone you know was feeling like how I was, or any similar way, please get help and talk to a trusted adult about it. I’m begging you. It can help you SO much more than you could imagine, even if you’re embarrassed or scared to tell them. It doesn’t even matter how you tell them, whether it’s through text or a letter or even an email if that’s what you prefer. All that matter is that it’s out there and that you get help. Don’t forget to talk to God about it as well, He’s always helping you every step of the way, no matter what you’re going through, remember? And important note, just because you’re dealing with this, it doesn’t make you a freak, nut, or total mental case. Everyone deals with a mental health problem at some point. You’ve just seen from me that you’re not alone. Thanks for reading my story today. I hope it helped in some way! ❤️

*Names have been changed